Fish
by Amberstar of Thunderclan
Summary: What the heck; it's April Fools. I can go all out if I want to. But why fish, specifically? Because; why not?
**Brought to you by: my sick and twisted imagination!**

 ***no fish were harmed in the making of this fanfiction***

* * *

"Okay, look, we can pay for the damages. And replace the fish. There's really no need to get so hyped up." Shepard insisted, trying to keep her cool.

The man yelled at her in a string of Japanese that she was sure was meant as an insult. She glanced at Kaiden in a hopeless kind of way.

"Well, er, maybe we could ask Private Hieyaki to translate?" he offered lamely."I could call her in."

The man yelled at them some more, making violent hand gestures.

"Yeah, maybe do that. Hey! There's no need to get _that rude_!" Garrus exclaimed as the tiny Japanese man made an incredibly rude hand signal. He glared at the Turian, before sucker-punching him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Knock it off, sir! We were only trying to help!"

"I'll get Hieyaki."

* * *

Now, they hadn't meant to break this man's fish tank. He was, apparently, a salesman of fresh seafood; extremely fresh seafood. And during the firefight with the Blue Suns cell they had found hiding on the Citadel, stray bullets had shattered several storage tanks, resulting in more casualties in any battle that Commander Shepard had ever fought in.

Grant it, those casualties were mostly of Salmon, Tuna, Trout, and Sturgeon, but it was the highest death count she had ever seen. And the owner of the fish was absolutely furious; and it didn't help that she couldn't understand a word he was saying. It was hard to arrest someone for sucker-punching a member of your squad when you couldn't even reprimand them for it.

Hence why she agreed to calling in Private Hieyaki. Which was something she had never pictured herself doing. Because Private Hieyaki was _weird_ , and not even in the normal sense of the word. Her level of weirdness was _wayyyyy_ up there in comparison to the average level of weirdness the crew of the _Normandy_ usually exhibited, which was really saying something if one thought about all the anomalous Thursday afternoons, the events of which couldn't be explained by _anyone_. She didn't have any friends, and usually just stood around making weird jokes and doing weird things.

It was funny, but still.

Weird.

She ran a hand through her dark ginger hair, starting to become a little more than a tiny bit stressed out as she stood there, yes, simply stood there, as the Japanese fish salesman yelled at her endlessly. Kaiden had assured her that Hieyaki was on her way, and she had been standing here, stalling for time since then. Garrus sat on a crate,rubbing his stomach where he'd been punched.

"Who knew such a little guy could have such a mean arm?" he commented after a while. The man whirled around, glaring at him, and the Turian jumped up with a yelp, maneuvering himself to place the crate between himself and the small man.

A shout came from the entrance to the cargo hold, and Shepard turned to see a young woman standing with her arms crossed and a playful grin on her face. She, too was small, with shoulder-length black hair tied back in a messy bun, dark hazel eyes, and a tan that told of her time spent in Hawii.

"Someone called for a hero?" she asked cheekily.

"Never thought I'd be this happy to see you, Hieyaki." Commander Roselyn Shepard said, voice weak with relief. _The torture is over!_ "Could you please explain to this gentleman how it was an accident and that he'll soon be charged with assault at a later date for punching Garrus?"

The Turian in mention nodded vigorously."Yes, _please_ put an emphasis on that part!"

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" she said with a tiny salute, before looking at at her fellow countryman and launching into her own language. Shepard backed off slowly, joining Kaiden near the broken fish tanks. What was surprising, was what her friend got up to when he was bored.

"Hey, Rose; look at this." he said, voice wavering with barley-contained snickers. He picked up a sturgeon, holding it like a rifle, took out his sunglasses, flicked them open, and put them on. When he spoke next, it was in a near-perfect Schwarzenegger impression."I am the Sharkinator. Fish my wrath, and blub my name."

Grinning, she noticed a trout among the salmon, which were still flopping about uselessly now and then. She bent down,and picked i up.

"Hasta la vesta, baby." she brandished the fish like a pistol. "Bang, your dead."

The man swooned dramatically."Goodbye, cruel world! I'm melting, _I'm melting_!"

Something we hit her in the back of the head. She turned around slowly, to see Garrus standing some distance away, tossing a fish from one hand to the other casually.

"You know not of the war you start, grasshopper." she said, eyes narrowed.

"'Tis a war I shall win, then." he responded. He threw the fish at her.

She leaned to the left, and it sailed past her, hitting the wall with a loud splat. A shout made them all jump and turn to see the Japanese man glaring at them, nostrils flaring with rage. He swore in his own language, throwing his hands up, before storming away.

"Keep the stupid fish! Crazy young people." he shouted as he stomped off. Hieyaki smirked at his departing figure as the other three gawked at him.

"Thank you for your understanding!" she called after him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He could speak English..."Garrus exclaimed.

"The _whole **time**_!?" Shepard finished for him.

"That jerk!"Kaiden threw his sturgeon down on the ground with a splat. A fish hit him in the face, compliments of Garrus.

"So, I guess that makes it Turians: two, Humans: zilch." he bragged.

"We'll see about that!" Shepard declared, ducking down and scooping up two salmon. Standing back up, she brandished them like swords. "FOR NARNIA!"

"Rats." He ducked under her swinging arm as she charged, sliding onto his back and throwing a tuna at her, which missed by a hair. Kaiden slammed a sturgeon down on him.

"Honor! Has been! RESTORED!" he cried victoriously. He lurched forwards as a salmon hit him square in the back. Garrus looked up to see Hieyaki, and the three of them were too shocked to need to keep strait faces; the Private had pried open the mouth of a tuna as far as it would go, and placed it on her head as if it were a helmet. But mostly, it just looked like a fish was eating her head.

"You're taking _his_ side?" Kaiden exclaimed. "Traitor!"

"You are _fools_. All of you." she beat a salmon against one hand, brandishing it, and speaking in a husky voice. "Why waste time battling each other... when the whole world is ripe for the taking?"

Garrus gave the Turian equivalent of a grin, as similar looks spread across the faces of his human companions.

"Hieyaki, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" Commander Shepard asked, smiling broadly.

"Yes, grasshopper. I am."

* * *

All was relatively peaceful on the _Normandy_ that day. Aside from the Commander going off to fight the Blue Suns(whom they suspected to be in league with Saren), which had gone off as a smashing success, there was really nothing to do. And when there was nothing to do, Joker got bored. And when Joker got bored, he hacked the sound systems.

Which meant that anyone who wasn't given shore leave, was stuck listening to "Noma Noma" for about four hours straight. Which meant Wrex was banging his head against a wall, Ashley was wearing large headphones blaring classic rock as loud as she could without hurting herself, Liara was somewhere burying her head under a pillow or taking an aspirin, and Tali(who was probably the luckiest of them all)had turned off her hearing filters; a blessing and a curse. A blessing because she couldn't hear the song, a curse because she couldn't hear anyone else either.

And that was why she was the last to know when what happened, happened.

The door to the airlock opened, and the crew member on decontamination watch looked up from her desk...only to be hit square in the face with a trout, resulting in a loud splat.

"GO, GO, GO!" Shepard shouted, rushing the airlock with Garrus, Kaiden, and Private Hieyaki charging behind her. She punched the "open" button on the desk, much to the dismay of the still-shell-shocked crew member, and the four warriors spilled into the _Normandy_.

" ** _THE REVOLUTION IS NOW_**!" The cried as one, Shepard and Kaiden throwing the contents of two buckets out onto the mortified crew members on the other side of the door. Ammo dispensed, Kaiden "unsheathed" the sturgeon slung over his back, Shepard broke out her salmon, and the two let out a fierce battle cry before charging the mess hall.

"FISH FIGHT, FISH FIGHT!" one crew member declared, picking up a trout and throwing it at his companion, much to her further chargin. Garrus and Hieyaki, meanwhile, ran up through to the cockpit. They tipped their own buckets out onto people as they passed, finally dispensing the last of their fish on a very surprised Joker, who was, non the less, gleeful at the sight of the chaos they had created.

"YES!" he cried through uncontrollable laughter. The chair-bound pilot threw several fish into the air."You guys just made my day!"

Meanwhile, in the Mako bay, Kaiden crept up behind Ashley and Tali, a trout in each hand, both girls completely unaware of his presence. He winked at Wrex who just looked at him with a glare that said, undoubtedly, "not me, don't you DARE". readying himself for the fiery temper that was to strike him...he hit both girls in the back of their heads with the fish, leaving one draped over Tali's shoulder, and shoving the other down the back of Ashley's shirt in a fit of immaturity(as if we can _possibly_ get more immature than assaulting all your friends with fish). former jumped, shrieking with surprise, and the latter did the same.

Only her shrieks were curse words, and about how gross it was, whilst Kaiden collapsed to the ground, laughing so hard he was unable to stand.

"KAIDEN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! AH! IT'S SLIDING DOWN! OH MY GOSH GET IT _OUT GET IT OFF GET. IT. **OFF**_!" she screamed. He pounded the floor with his hands, barely able to breath.

* * *

Three months later...

"We're glad to have you, Commander; gladder still that you succeeded." Anderson told her as they walked along the halls of the _Normandy_. She nodded.

"It wasn't without cost, and it wasn't just me. Ashley should have been here." she said sadly. Suddenly, Anderson stopped as they reached the stairs that led to the cockpit, sniffing.

"Is that...fish I smell?" he asked, eyes narrowed. Shepard grinned.

"Now, first thing you have to ask yourself in this situation, sir," she said, smiling at the memories that the lingering stink held, "is; do you really want to know?"

And that, my friends is a story of true friendship.

* * *

 **And that is the same question you'll want to ask yourself regarding _my_ pranks.**

 **Just as a small note, I don't actually play Mass Effect; half my family does, so I see a lot of it. I just really needed to get this one out of my system before I implemented it into _Siblings_ by "accident". Originally, this was just going to be Hieyaki and Garrus throwing fish at a wall while Kaiden and Shepard looked on with disbelief; but then I pulled my prank, and I just couldn't help finding an excuse to put my line in some sort of fanfic.**

 **Thus, "The revolution is now."**

 **I meant no offense to the Japanese. Or animal rights activists.**

 **Or fish.**

 **I solomly swear that I have been up to no good. I'm just kind of sitting here in the school library, trying to pretend that I'm innocent; which I'm not. This holiday is like, my element. You know, I actually considered expanding on this, but then I decided; slapstick comedy like this can easily be overdone, and I want this fic to remain special for a long time. So, it's a one-shot. But if you guys like this one enough, maybe I'll bring Hieyaki back and write another Fish next year with her and the gang.**

 **I have to go now; I'm conspiring with Jayfeattheris Awesome for the most extreme park of our young lives. If you want some more humor, play Destiny, and hate Prince Uldren because he's a jerk; go check out her fic. Chapter four is...beautiful.**

 **Hieyaki-*I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!***

 **So, tell me what you think, and REVIEW!**

 **Farewell, random readers!**


End file.
